We're marching on
by KathBell
Summary: What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. T for swearing in later chapters. MerAlexCristina-Centric. MerDer. Lexie/Mark. Alex/OC. Post-season-six finale.
1. Discoveries

**A/N: New story, I know I shouldn't but I want to... Please review!**

**Summary: She didn't know how they all survived.**

**Friendships: MerAlexCristina, MerMark, DerMark, LexieMer.**

**Pairings: MerDer. Mark/Lexie. Mentions of Alex/Izzie.**

**Song: Marchin' on by Onerepublic.**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing! **

**For those days we felt like a mistake,  
Those times when love's what you hate**

Meredith could only describe herself in one word: A mess. Derek – the one-night stand that had turned into the love of her life – had been shot right in front of her eyes and she had been helpless to do anything. She had lost her and Derek's baby – the baby that would have amazing hair and would be nicknamed 'McDreamy' junior – and she had watched more than one life ruined. April. Hers – although she knew that she would recover, she felt as if that wouldn't happen Cristina was a mess – after performing surgery on her best friends post-it husband at gunpoint, and then to watch the man she loved get shot. Avery was smart, very smart, because Derek would be dead right now if it wasn't for Avery and if that had happened she would have wanted Gary Clarke to shoot her, because she wouldn't have been able to live without him. However, even in the dark and twisty-ness that surrounded this day, she could see a small beam of hope.

Derek was awake. Owen was already stapling himself back up. Cristina was okay, and Alex... Her face wrinkled in confusion and she, admittedly pointlessly, looked around the ambulance bay for a sign of her friend.

Pointlessly was a good word to describe what she had just done.

Meredith gnawed at her lip nervously, wondering if he too had fallen victim to a crazed widow.

She seriously hoped not, because a) Alex was her best friend b) She couldn't take another person she was close to being shot and c) Alex had been through way too much already, what with his obviously abusive past, the whole Ava/Rebecca fiasco, his cancer-stricken-hallucinating-dead-fiancé-wife, said wife, although now cancer free, leaving him with a note. She let a small sigh escape her lips. "Where the hell are you Alex?" She muttered, more to herself than to any of the paramedics or shell-shocked surgeons surrounding her. However, a certain surgeon did pick this up and turned to question her.

"You mean Karev? As in Alex Karev?"

**Somehow  
We keep marchin' on**

"What do you think Mark? I seriously don't have time for games. You know where he is? Tell me or I won't let you see Derek for another week." She knew – and she assumed that he knew – that she would never carry out that threat, but she kept her glare steady and cold, trying not to portray any emotions.

"Mer," Mark never called her Mer. She knew that and he knew that. If anything, it only brought her worry to a maximum, instead of calming her down for the dreadful news he was about to deliver like he had pitifully hoped. Would've been better to call her Big Grey.

She shook her head.

"He's just came out of surgery." Her face crumpled. Her head shook nearly as much as her hands that hadn't stopped shaking since Derek had forced both her and Cristina into a storage cupboard and informed them about the shooter. She could barely bring herself to believe a word that Mark was saying. Then she realised. Mark meant that Alex had performed surgery on someone – she guessed a nurse, or a doctor because that was all any of the sane and standing surgeons left would be operating on.

"Oh, how is the patient?"

He sighed. "Meredith, Alex is the patient. He'd been shot in the chest, we're thinking one of the first."

"How'd you know and I don't?"

"Me and Lexie found him. In an elevator. He'd lost a lot of blood, so we guessed it had been a while. We put a chest tube in-"

"So you got him out fast?" Mark shook his head. "Then how did you, we were at the O.R, we would've- No. You didn't?"

"We had to. I can't get it out of my head, hearing him like-" He shook his head. "I bet he never lets on when he's in pain too?"

Meredith nodded. Mark just laughed bitterly. "Teddy stuck a needle into his heart after kicking Lexie out of the ambulance. That's all I know cos' I got out a few minutes after her." Meredith nodded.

"Is he stable?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "Lexie said she loved him. Then he started hallucinating Stevens."

Meredith had to swallow down her emotions, had to compose herself before answering. Alex hallucinating Izzie. Irony's a bitch. "She doesn't love him, but according to you she found him in an elevator and she helped put a chest tube in him and he was in a lot of pain and she was emotional and I can tell you now, no one expected this when they woke up this morning, and they've been dating and Mark, you of all people should know, she loves you. Not Alex. You. It's like the whole Addison thing, or the Rose thing, but in the end, they always come back. Just don't get hurt cos' I need one sort of stable person to keep an eye on Derek, now with Alex and Cristina and Lexie and-"

"Mer, do you want me to watch Derek while you go check on Alex?" The small – barely able to be seen – smile that she sent in reply was all the answer he needed.

**For those nights when I couldn't be there.**

**I've made it harder to know, that you know that somehow, we'll keep movin' on.**

As Lexie stood at his bedside she couldn't stop shaking. It wasn't just her hands, or her legs, it was her whole body. She was crying silently, not wanting to wake him up but wanting to wake him up at the same time and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know where Mark had gone and the Seattle Pres. ICU staff were avoiding the Seattle Grace-Mercy-West surgeons and staff with a burning passion and she didn't know who had been hurt and who hadn't and for once in her life she would admit that she felt like there was no point.

And that scared her almost as much as watching Alex nearly die, as arguing with Teddy about hypothermia. It scared her nearly as much as the mortality rates that rattled through her head – and at one point, during the shortened ambulance ride – through her mouth. She did have to wonder though, why she had said the three words that scared her the most to Alex. She loved Mark, although she hadn't been sure at first, but then she heard the stories, and then she heard – and saw – how he changed, and after their breakup he had reverted back to his old ways – whether to spite her or because he was lonely she was not sure – and then she had been told that he had cried. Mark, had cried for her.

She jumped at the sound of the door opening and looked at the new-comer sharply.

–

Meredith smiled in her sisters direction and felt more worry – she had began to doubt that it was even possible – bubble up in her. Lexie was far too paranoid and jumpy and petrified looking for her big sisters liking and Meredith made a mental note that she would talk to Lexie later, after she had made sure that Alex was okay. "I... I've been with Derek and... He's woke up after surgery and he is okay... and now I get told that he got shot and- Oh God." The last two words came out as a whisper when she let herself look at the man lying in the centre of the room. She had made sure she had kept her eyes downcast until she entered the room.

–

"What do you mean, Derek had surgery?" Lexie couldn't help it, the words 'fate' sprang to mind. It had to be didn't it? It couldn't just be Alex, it had to be Derek as well and this was all her fault after all and when she tells Meredith – she knew that she would, eventually – she would hate her. It was simple.

–

"He was shot too." Short and simple. "How's Alex doing?" Meredith looked at her sister and had to force herself not to empty her stomach contents – however small it may be – there and then. "I can read his chart, doesn't matter. How are **you** doing?"

"Fine." One word answers were bad. When that one word was 'fine' it meant 'I'm bad' because Meredith and Alex were the masters in the art of 'I'm fine'. Alex more so than her. He had managed to perfect it to a point were even Meredith couldn't see through his façade – although she could for most of the time. Meredith believed that there were few people that could – only her and Izzie really, and Cristina was getting better at it but then again, she had never been an expert in the art of 'I'm fine' although she had been pretty close to it.

"When did you last sleep?" The long pause that followed was enough to answer Meredith's question. "I have a feeling that you haven't eaten in over 24 hours..." Lexie merely stared at the floor. "You're covered in blood and I don't know who's it is and the fact that I have a big list to choose from worries me, and you need to shower and get clean and eat and I'm trying to be a big sister here so you really should do what I say." That had to be the most 'supportive sister' Meredith had ever been in her life.

"It's my fault. You should hate me." Meredith felt herself become confused. How could she possibly blame all of this on herself?

"I don't hate you Lexie. I love you, you're my sister. And it is not your fault. None of it was!" She walked over to her sister and pulled her down onto the seat.

Lexie looked her straight into the eyes and the guilt Meredith saw there sent chills down her spine. "I unplugged his wife!" Lexie was starting to sob. "I... I was standing there and he was standing there and he told me that he was after Derek and Webber and I... He said that he was after me. He said that... that I unplugged the machines and that I was a killer and I am! I'm a killer and now all those people – the nurses, Charles, Reed – they're all dead because of... because... me!"

"Lexie!" Meredith yelled, amazed and slightly – very – worried that the hysterical woman had not woken Alex up yet. She refused to believe that it was anything bad, and let herself fall into the hope that he was merely sedated. "Calm down. Deep breaths." Once Lexie had stopped sobbing – tears still ran down her face but no noise – Meredith spoke. "Did you stab her? Did you give her cancer?" Lexie shook her head weakly. "Did you shoot Reed and Charles, or Alex, or Derek, or Owen?" Another head shake and a stifled sob. "Who did?"

"Gary C-Clarke." Lexie whispered.

"Are you Gary Clarke?"

"No."

"Then this is not your fault. You are not a killer. Lexie, you saved Alex's life today. I'm pretty sure he'll be grateful." Lexie smiled slowly at Meredith's attempt at getting a smile on her face. Then Meredith did something neither woman expected – she hugged Lexie.

**There's so many wars we fought  
There's so many things we're not **

"Hey," Meredith whispered, smiling hopefully as Alex's eyes fluttered open. They had removed the vent the last time he had woken up lucid enough to realise it was there – no one wanted a repeat of that. "You okay?" Alex blinked before nodding weakly. Meredith felt her heart break slightly. She truly hated seeing him like this, because she wasn't prepared but she was at the same time. She had seen countless GSW cases, but never someone she knew – if you don't count Burke, but she hated Burke now – and never someone she thought of as a brother because that was what Alex and Cristina – and George, Izzie and Lexie, even Mark and Bailey, maybe even Webber – had became. Her slightly – okay, very – dysfunctional family and she loved the same. That meant that she hated seeing one of them hurt. Derek wasn't this bad, and George... okay, George was worse because his chances of surviving were the same as Alex's but they hadn't even been able to recognise George. "You're an idiot." Alex smiled, even if his eyelids were dropping and his eyes had a glazed over look due to the many painkillers, anti-inflammatory and other medication needed to control his heart rate he was taking via many IV lines attached to his hands and arms.

"Wounded... Grey, r'lly am." He slurred out, sounding half-drunk but she didn't take any notice. It had been three days, three agonizing days in which Alex coded multiple times, in which she and Cristina cried, in which Alex woke up and in which they were worried if he would walk again but the swelling around his spinal chord had gone down and his heart managed to stay beating for over a day, and he was coming up with sarcastic comebacks – not up to his usual standard but hey, he had just been shot after all.

"Oh, you think this is bad. You haven't seen what Cristina is going to do to you when you break out of here." Neither mentioned that it could be weeks until he leaves the hospital, months until he is back at work, and then the mandatory therapy sessions that she knew would bring up his childhood. After all, neither of them wanted to ruin the happy mood that had finally rested in the room after a few days of minor depression. "You'll have your own cardio-"

"Wannabe... Crack whore..." He mumbled – or said – she couldn't quite tell the difference.

"Surgeon who saved Derek's life." He just nodded. "To poke and prod you, and annoy the hell out of her favourite evil spawn."

**But with what we have  
I promise you that  
We're marchin on  
We're marchin on **


	2. We'll have the days that we break

**A/N: Thank you for reviewing! This is in the same time frame as the the first part of the last chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing! **

–

**For all of the plans we made.**

**There isn't a flag I'd wave.**

He didn't tell them about the vacant pair of eyes. Never planned on telling them, but as he sat on the edge of the bed, waiting impatiently for the nurse to bring his discharge papers he realised that they would catch on eventually – because Meredith was the queen of dark and twisty and Cristina was a robot that could read anyone, even him (sometimes). He knew that they'd realise that he could sleep – he just didn't want to.

Meredith walked into the room with a smile. Derek had gotten out three days ago, which made her happy, and now Alex was getting out, which made her less-dark-and-twisty than she was five days ago. "Hey, the nurses finally given in to your irresistible charms?" She joked, although she knew that flirting was the last thing on Alex's mind.

"Funny Grey." She didn't really like the two word answers, or the fact that he barely slept (she had checked in on him last night, but he didn't know – and didn't need to know) in the last two days.

"Well, I'd have thought that three weeks was enough for you." She smirked back. "Cristina's getting yours and Derek's painkillers, then she's going to drag Altman up here. You talked to Lexie yet?" He suddenly found the floor very interesting. "Didn't think so."

"Sloan." She didn't like the one word either. "I declared my love for my ex-wife in front of her – supposedly. She loves Sloan, trust me." No sadness in his voice. He sounded nearly emotionless, Meredith noted. She didn't like it. His voice was normally cold, but she could usually find some sort of emotion in it – no matter how small – and this time, there was none.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. You have to admit though, I was right?" He raised an eyebrow in her direction. "I told Lexie that you're like me three years ago." He laughed at that, but grimaced in pain. Meredith looked worriedly over at him. "You-"

"Don't." He sighed – the best he could without adding more pain to his chest. "Don't ask if I'm okay." She just nodded.

He wasn't okay. She wasn't okay. Derek wasn't okay. None of them were okay.

**Don't care where we've been  
I'd sink us to swim  
We're marchin on  
We're marchin on **

"Evil spawn."

"Whatever." Meredith rolled her eyes at them as she dug through the plastic Tupperware box that she kept the medication for Alex in.

"Two year old's!" She yelled, closing her eyes momentarily and letting her hand rest on her stomach. Cristina and Alex – mainly Cristina because Alex found it difficult to look over his shoulder – noticed this and exchanged glances.

"Yang," He motioned towards Meredith. She understood the one word message and walked over to her best friend. Alex, still stuck in bed and finding himself falling asleep, could only watch as Cristina put her hand on Meredith's shoulder.

"Mer?" Meredith nodded, not looking up. "A-Are you okay?" Alex did his best not to throw something at Cristina – because he was quite sure that lifting his arm would feel like being hit by a sledgehammer – fpr her stupidity. Obviously Meredith was not okay.

"The baby died." Cristina was lost for words and looked at Alex for help. Unfortunately, he hadn't even known Meredith had been pregnant, and he wasn't the best comforter anyway. Cristina nodded and bit her lip. Meredith had strange friends, why couldn't she just have a friend that knew what to do when this type of thing happened, because Cristina – cold-hearted, robot-like Cristina – definitely had no idea.

"Mer," She whispered, before pulling her into a hug. It seemed the smart thing to do – at the time, but that was before Meredith started to cry. Cristina sighed while awkwardly patting her friends back and looking at Alex helplessly. Where the hell was McDreamy when you need him? Because, even if he had trouble walking, he would still be better at consoling Meredith than her and stuck-in-bed Alex put together.

**For those doubts that swirl all around us.**

**For those lives that tear at the seams.**

She heard the noise downstairs and went into worry mode. Something crashed. Derek was useless as the painkillers had successfully knocked him out for the remainder of the night, and she knew that Alex – who was worse off than Derek – still struggled to get down the stairs. A week since her breakdown-thing and Alex was out of bed, but there was no way he would try to get downstairs on his own.

Who was she kidding? That probably was Alex. Slowly, Meredith climbed out of bed and walked over to the door, sparing one last look at her resting husband before making her way down the stairs and into the living room in which she found – surprise surprise – Alex Karev.

The first she she noticed was that he was trembling – and then she realised that it was freezing, which kind of explained the trembling. "Alex? You okay?" No, he wasn't. He's been shot Meredith, you idiot!

"Yeah. Isn't this a bit late for you?"

"Says the man recovering from a gunshot wound, who is up at one in the morning. You cannot say it is too late for me."

"Couldn't sleep?" It was more of a statement than a question. She took a place next to him – and ignored the fact that he looked exhausted – and looked at him with worried eyes.

"Yeah, you?" He nodded, which kind of worried her. Alex could just have insomnia – every doctor had it – but something at the back of her mind told her that this was anything but insomnia – because Alex couldn't have too much caffeine and he could sleep in a car parked next to speakers blaring out night-club type of music at the highest volume possible and still sleep – and she knew that he had been shot near where Reed was shot, but no one had told her how much he had seen. When she did ask him – once – he had just said he didn't really remember, but the haunted look in his eyes had told her a different story.

Where was a shrink when you need one?

"You could try those sleeping pills they gave you... Cos I'm pretty sure you didn't sleep last night..."

"How'd-" His face was a picture of confusion and shock – which confirmed Meredith's theory that he hadn't slept.

"You don't want to know." She laughed.

"Whatever." She looked over at him again and noticed the envelope in his hands.

"What's that?" Her voice was gentle and kind, just like the soft and helpful smile on her face.

"A letter from Aaron and Amber." She wasn't sure what to say. Usually Alex was never open about family – she had even assumed that he had none until his brother turned up – and it always took more than two words – no matter how colourful they could be – to get him to open up.

"You going to open it?" She asked.

Alex just shrugged. "Don't know." Thought so, Meredith thought to herself as she stiffled a yawn.

"You know, you shouldn't have came downstairs on your own."

"Whatever." She shook her head and rolled her eyes at him. Typical Alex.

_**A/N: Shorter than I wanted it to be :) Please review! **_


	3. Whatever

_**A/N: Set about two months after the shooting. Thanks for the review!**_

_**Song: Nothing and Everything Red.**_

_**Disclaimer: Own nothing! **_

Dr Katie Brown was used to all sorts of patient – mostly doctors who felt guilty, or who had issues from their past. She had been outside when the shooting had started – therefore one of the few Seattle-Grace-Mercy-West psychiatrists still able to work. It had surprised her, though, that many of the doctors had issues that she had never known off, and had never talked about them until now.

It also came as a shock when Alex Karev actually turned up for his appointment, as it was well known about the hospital that he had issues, and that he would never talk about them and his past.

No one had even known he had a brother until said brother turned up needing surgery.

"So Dr Karev, how are you feeling?" She asked with the classical shrink smile on her face.

"Fine." She bit back a sigh and nodded. This would take a while.

"So, where you and Dr Adamson close?"

"Not really. Saw her in the locker room once or twice." Had to pull your wife off her during a fight, saw her die, pretty sure she had a crush on you too.

"And you went to her funeral?"

"It seemed like the respectable thing to do. She did work with me." Avoider, Katie named with a small frown.

"Okay," She nodded before contemplating her next move. She then decide that this would take at least a few more sessions. "I'd like you to come back next week, same time. Don't give me that look." She wrote the appointment down and passed it too him. "You're a doctor, you know what to do." Two could play at this game.

**Enemy, familiar friend  
My beginning and my end  
Broken truth, whispering lies  
And it hurts again **

"How'd it go?" Meredith asked, sitting next to him on the couch. It was Derek's first day back and she – typically – had the day off, so she had decided to spend it with Alex and, eventually, Cristina.

He just showed her the appointment card. "That bad huh?" He nodded, staring at the blank TV screen. "Wow..." She sighed. "You know, if you ever want to talk." He turned his head and looked at her, raising his eyebrows and giving her the look that clearly stated 'You don't want to know what I saw.'

It scared her that he thought it was that bad, and it scared her even more when she considered the possibility that it was that bad.

"I'm here, no matter how bad it is. If you ever don't want to talk, my bathroom floor is open, so is my tequila cabinet."

"I didn't see her die, if that is what you're thinking." Meredith nodded.

"But you saw something?"

"When did you turn into a freaking shrink?"

She just laughed.

**What I fear and what I try  
Words I say and what I hide  
All the pain, I want it to end **

The vacant eyes stared back at him he struggled to breathe.

They seemed to follow him – even if he knew that dead people couldn't move their eyes, it was a medical impossibility – as he pulled himself into the elevator.

She did yoga, he remembered. She always did yoga.

It was damn annoying.

**And it finds me  
The fight inside is coursing through my veins  
And it's raging  
The fight inside is breaking me again**

"Okay, Mer I understand being up at one, but you?" He exclaimed in annoyance. Where the women on a rota or something?

"Shut it Evil Spawn." At least she wouldn't try to make him talk about why he was up at this time in the morning like Meredith would. "And you shouldn't be getting much pain from the incision site now, so you can't blame being awake on that." He rolled his eyes.

"Shouldn't you be with Hunt?" He nearly regretting asking that question. He was turning into O'Malley. Damn.

"Shut it Evil Spawn."

"Are they you're words of the day or something?" They hadn't even glared at each other, Cristina frowned. Something was bugging Alex, and she wanted to let Meredith sleep, and Owen was at work, so she decided to talk to him.

"No, and yes."

"Huh?"

"I should be with Owen, but he's working. Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

"Whatever."

"Is that the only word you know Karev?" She joked, not smiling or showing any hint of emotions in her voice, but they could both tell it was a joke and not an insult.

They pretended otherwise.

"Very funny. See, that's more than just 'Whatever.'"

"Whatever."

_**A/n: Would write more but I have 5% power left! Please review!**_


	4. The battle wages on

**A/N: Sorry about the wait! I had this ready a few days ago, then there was a few internet problems so I added to it :) Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed this story! :) **

**Disclaimer: Own nothing! **

**Song: Like Toy Soldiers – Eminem. **

_It's not enough to want to the truth. You must know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive, because it knows where to hide. _

"I got to operate today." Cristina smirked as she sat next to Meredith and Alex. Meredith smirked too – so had she – and Alex just glared at the pair of them. He was back in work, but only on post-ops and definitely no surgeries.

"Whatever."

"You're just jealous Brown hasn't cleared you yet." Cristina laughed smugly, although deep – very, very deep – inside of her she was silently worried about that fact. Alex should be ready for surgery now, shouldn't he? Owen was, and Owen was Owen, the Owen that had nightmares and flashbacks, and if he had been cleared for work why hadn't Alex?

She was quite sure that Alex wasn't having flashbacks – well, not too many as long as he avoids supply closest and elevators, maybe even conference rooms too – but she knew he had the odd – every other day – nightmares.

"She will."

"Eventually." Meredith added while staring at the yoghurt in her hands. She was supposed to be eating healthily and avoiding tequila.

That would last for about a day.

"Today, tomorrow, this week. Bet you 100 dollars." Alex smiled.

"You're on Evil spawn." Meredith rolled her eyes at the pair of them and struggled not to groan because in the end, it would always be her paying them.

So she changed the subject to her favourite one. Tequila.

"I want tequila. Anyone else want tequila?" Meredith asked, throwing her discarded yoghurt onto the floor. Two nods answered her and she realised that they were going to have to get some more tequila because after tonight they would have ran out.

So much for healthy.

**Step by step, heart to heart, left right left**

**We all fall down...**

**Step by step, heart to heart, left right left  
We all fall down like toy soldiers**

"Alex."

"Katie."

She smiled in a way that reminded him of Izzie – and that was something he didn't like. Katie was a blonde – like Izzie – but she had green eyes. "How are you?" She was tempted to say something along the lines of 'cut the crap' but she restrained herself.

"Fine." A word that had so many meanings.

She nodded. "Really? Alex, because it's been three months now, one – and a half – since we started and so far I've got nothing." She sighed. "What happened? That's all I need to know to know that we are actually getting somewhere. I can completely pull you from everything if you want." She had learnt that threatening the removal of his job was the best way to get information out of Alex – it may not be the most regulated or used technique but when it came to stubborn surgeons such as Cristina Yang, Jackson Avery, and Alex Karev, it worked like a miracle.

Alex looked up sharply at that and she knew she had it. "Okay.." His voice was quiet, and she could detect a hint of fear in it.

**Bit by bit, torn apart, we never win  
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers **

Meredith noticed it. It was impossible not to. She saw the way that he was quiet – more than normal – after the latest therapy session and she became worried. Half of her was tempted to go into Dr Browns office and ask what had happened – or even plant recording devices so she at least knew what to do after the session – but she knew that there was the whole 'patient confidentiality' thing stopping her.

She then started to consider hacking into his files.

She realised that he would find out and then be calling Cristina or... someone... to hide her body. Well, maybe she was overreacting a bit but she was still worried.

But. There was always a but. Alex had been sleeping – which had been like a miracle before the latest therapy session – and she wondered if Dr Brown had gotten him to talk about what actually happened. She wondered, if that was the case, had Alex told her the truth, or had he downplayed it a bit – like he always did. She didn't want to ask him, because that would be an invasion of his privacy. But she wanted to know. Mainly because she knew that talking to a friend about it was a lot easier than talking to a psychiatrist about it, and it usually worked better she found, especially when that friend understood what you were going through.

One night. His whole life had changed because of one night. One night of sleep, real sleep that was not plagued by nightmares or vacant eyes or pools of blood in elevators or wives dying in your arms. He had wondered if talking to Katie (it must be bad when you are on first-name terms with a shrink) had helped, but he decided against it.

Shrinks never helped.

He determined that it was just down to lack of sleep that he slept, however little sense that made.

**I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure **

"You've been cleared?" Cristina made it sound like Seattle Grace had been blown up – which isn't that far from the truth as it had been blown up before and it had recently been shot at – and she looked at Alex like he had grown an extra head. "No way!" She shook her head. "You're bluffing." She looked at the chart in her hand for a second and decided that she would do something very un-Cristina.

"Have this surgery and prove it." She noticed the flash of fear on his face and immediately regretted her decision but it had been made now and they had no choice but to carry on as normal.

But it was far from normal.

"Fine." He made it sound like he didn't care, but it was obvious he did. "Easy." She rolled her eyes and walked away.

**Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders.**

**I ain't never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it. **

"You did good." She sounded convincing, honest and truthful even, but he couldn't believe it. He had to have messed up somehow because he always did. He had messed up with his family, with Izzie, and now he had messed up with his job. He was truly amazed that he had managed to last this long without messing up his job, and he was even more surprised that he hadn't driven Meredith and Cristina away.

"Whatever."

"Seriously? Is that all you ever say?"

"Well, I said this, so no.." She smacked him on the arm – gently. "Ow," He was faking it, and she knew it. "What was that for?"

"Sarcasm."

"You have met Yang haven't you?" She just smiled.

"She'll be blunt when it comes down to it-"

"You have met me haven't you?" Alex interrupted her.

"Shut up and let me ramble." She smiled as he rolled his eyes at her. "But, like you, she finds it very easy to lie." He raised his eyebrows.

"Seriously dude?"

"Seriously." She sighed. "You have to talk to me Alex. I need you to be Alex, you know, the guy that threatens to kick Derek's ass while said guy is in the shower, and the one who eats popcorn with me, and the one that doesn't know how to cook breakfast because, yes, I saw, you were cooking this morning and not eating out of a cereal packet. Alex, I'm glad you are eating food that actually has some nutritional value but you have to talk." She sighed again as she fell onto the couch next to him.

"Finished?" Meredith nodded, already feeling anxious that he would hate her now for saying all that. He swallowed nervously – which made Meredith three times more nervous than before – and looked at her.

Alex wanted to talk to her – he really did – but he couldn't because he knew that if she knew half of what he had seen she would slowly break away from him because she didn't want to be dark and twisty.

Like him. "I'm fine, Mer, and if you need me to kick Shepherd ass, I'm all fall it." He sent her that trademark grin of his and she laughed. She couldn't help it, even if she did see right through his façade. She wanted so desperately for things to be normal again, so she let it slip.

**I'd never drag them in battles that I can handle unless I absolutely have to **

What if? It was the question that everyone asked themselves at least once in a lifetime. What if that had happened? What if I had gotten there earlier? What if I had died? The two words had destroyed so many, Meredith thoughts were similar to that as she watched Alex reading some medical journal. What if something is wrong? What if he is feeling worse than he is letting on?

What if this is affecting him more than he has told us? She knew that this had hit him badly – it had hit everyone badly – but she couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was wrong.

And when Meredith had a feeling, it usually meant something.

**Step by step. **

**Heart to heart. **

**Left, right, left.**

"What's up?" Cristina asked as she closed the chart for her patient and looked nervously at Meredith. Her friend had been acting strange all morning, and she was either constantly looking over her shoulder or checking up on Alex. Cristina was truly amazed that Alex hadn't snapped at her yet, because if it had been her Meredith was 'stalking' she would have snapped at her by now.

"Nothing..." Cristina looked at Meredith and raised her eyebrows, making it obvious that she did not believe a word her best friend said. "I'm worried about Alex."

"Really? I never would have guessed that." Cristina rolled her eyes, but started to feel worried herself.

"I have a feeling-"

"Stay away from the E.R, and the O.R. There might be another bomb you could stick your hand on."

"So funny." Meredith rolled her eyes. "I meant that I have a feeling that something is wrong with Alex, and I don't mean simple wrong, like, like-"

"Your love life?"

Meredith glared at her struggling not to laugh friend. "No, I mean serious wrong like... Drowning wrong." Cristina looked up again, sharing a look with her best friend.

She had a feeling too.

**We all fall down, like toy soldiers. **

**Bit by bit.**

**Torn apart.**

**We never win.**

**But the battle wages on for toy soldiers **

**A/N: Please review! **


	5. Everything and Everyone

_**A/N: SPOILER ALERT: Oh my God. I have just seen sneak previews that amount to up to half of the next episode. I'm in shock. It's amazing. There are no words to describe it. Seriously, I'm having trouble putting the scenes into this story, but I am so there are now some major and some minor season seven spoilers so stop reading now if you don't want it ruined.**_

_**Disclaimer: Own nothing. **_

They didn't know when it had ended or how the other it had started. All she knew was that both her and Mark were single and currently sleeping – well, he was. She stared at the ceiling aimlessly. What did this mean? Were they a couple again – she certainly hoped so because she couldn't stand living at Meredith's any more and seeing Alex every day. "Mark..." She whispered, hoping he would stir. He did and he smiled at her.

"Lex.."

"I love you... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She started to cry, and she couldn't stop herself. She didn't know why she was crying because she had only told him the truth.

But then again, she did cry at a lot of things these days.

**Nothing goes as planned **

"Derek wants a kid." Cristina and Alex simultaneously looked up from their lunches. "I think, he hasn't said anything but I just know."

"Okay..." Alex nodded. "You want a kid?"

"I... I... Yes. I want a kid. But I'm scared, what if-"

"Meredith..." Cristina interrupted before Meredith started babbling. "If you want a baby, have a baby. Think of it like a surgeon – you can have a kid." Cristina smiled before rolling her eyes at the 'who the hell are you' look on Alex's face.

"Yeah, yeah, you're right. I can have kids. Right?"

"Yes." Cristina and Alex both answered.

**Everything will break. **

"How'd it go?" Meredith yelled from the living room as Alex entered the house. Derek had just left for his shift and she had just gotten home. She hated it when their shifts ended up like that.

Alex walked into the room grinning and showed her an empty hand. "You're free?" He nodded and sat down next to her.

"No more appointments."

"Lucky. They pulled Cristina out of surgery." He looked over at her in worry and confusion.

"What?"

"She had this episode thing in the O.R, Post-traumatic stress. She's sleeping upstairs cos I don't trust her alone and Owen is in surgery and no ones told him." He heard the worry in his voice, and as much as he hated to admit it, he felt it too. "I had to give her one of your old sleeping pills to get her to sleep."

"Well, she's welcome to them. You booked her in with Katie?" Meredith nodded and bit her lip. Alex looked at her before pulling her into a one-armed hug. She closed her eyes and forced back tears but she didn't move from his protective hold.

**People say goodbye  
In their own special way  
All that you can rely on  
And all that you could fake **

"Dr Yang, I have a feeling this won't work, but how are you feeling?" Katie asked while keeping back a sigh.

"Fine." Came the sharp reply. Katie frowned inwardly, Cristina was a female version of Alex, and she really didn't need another Alex.

"Okay. How have you been doing since our last appointment? Any issues with Owen or work?"

"We're both fine." Cristina answered in her crisp emotionless voice. She wasn't going to spill her heart to someone she barely knew! She was Cristina Yang! Cardio-godess!

**Will leave you in the morning  
Come find you in the day **

It was silent today as they sat on the gurney's, which wasn't that odd. Usually they were researching for a surgery, or finding a way to get out of work earlier so they could go drink themselves crazy at Joe's. Cristina, however, was smiling and happy and she couldn't stay quiet any longer. "Owen proposed." Alex and April, the ones further away from Cristina, looked up. April was smiling with her eyes wide, while Alex, also smiling, had the same look of worry on his face as Meredith did. Jackson had a similar reaction to April. Meredith however, didn't like this one bit.

"What did you say?" She asked, trying to sound normal.

"What do you think?" The look on Alex, April, and Jackson's faces answered that question and Cristina rolled her eyes at them. "Yes you idiots! I wouldn't be telling you otherwise!"

"So you're serious? You're getting married?" April was smiling like crazy. Had this been a year ago, hell, three months ago, Cristina would have rolled her eyes at the Mercy Wester and told her she was too bright and shiny for her own good, but April was no longer bright and shiny and neither was Jackson and surprisingly, the group had became friends. "Congratulations!"

"She isn't going to do a white wedding."

"Never work out well for anyone." Cristina added, sending a small glare over at Alex. He only rolled his eyes at the not-so-subtle dig at his failed marriage.

"Stop fighting!" Meredith interrupted. Jackson gave her a questioning look.

"They weren't-"

"They would have been wrestling on the floor within the next ten minutes." She then smirked. "Cristina would win."

**Everything will changed  
Nothing stays the same  
Nobody is perfect  
Oh, but everyone is to blame **

"Are you sure you want this?" Meredith asked now that her and Cristina were alone. Cristina looked over at her friend and smiled.

"I want this."

"Are you-"

"Meredith." Cristina turned over so that she was completely facing Meredith. "Owen isn't Burke. He won't do that, he loves me and I know it. Please, just try to like him. I had to pretend to like McDreamy for you."

"You like Derek..." Cristina raised her eyebrows. "He gives you a bright and shiny friend."

"If I wanted that I'd have gone to April." The pair laughed, although April was now in their 'group'. It was amazing how they had changed, but April, Lexie, and Jackson were now their best friends. None of them would admit it though.

**Everything is dark  
It's more than you could take  
But you catch a glimpse of sunlight **

**A/N: This might be what happens... All I know is that April/A;ex/Mer/Lexie/Jackson are like Mer/Alex/Izzie/George/Cristina. I'm back to my dark and twisty self because of that :P**


	6. Midnight visitors and lost patients

_**A/N: Don't you just hate it when you have a nice chapter written up, having spent hours on it, and the your computer decides to crash. The auto-save, or the normal save, didn't work so I am very pissed off right now. Sorry if it shows in the writing as it may be rushed! **_

_**Disclaimer: Own nothing! **_

**So much for medicines and healthy patients  
We've got a little bit of a situation now **

**I ride this gurney towards my confession.  
It's just another day in my sick profession.**

"Meredith."Meredith looked up as Cristina called out her name. The urgency in her friends voice was worryingly hide so Meredith decided that this was important enough to warrant her full, undivided attention so she closed over the chart in her hands and placed it on the nurses station just as Cristina reached her.

"Hey, what-" Cristina interrupted before Meredith could finish.

"Alex lost a patient."

"He lost a patient last week Cristina, I'm sure he'll be fine." Meredith reassured her friend with a soft smile.

"Alex lost a GSW to the chest patient. The case was almost identical to his." Meredith inhaled deeply and attempted to remove the sense of dread she felt overcoming her. "I think we should go explain to the chief and then get to Joe's." Meredith was now confused slightly – Cristina being reasonable. That just... no, Cristina Yang should never be the reasonable one. Then again, she reasoned, all the reasonable ones had either died, gotten cancer/gotten married/left husband with a note then disappeared, or gotten shot. They needed a new reasonable person.

"Yeah, yeah, but what if Webber tells us we have to work?"

"You saw what he was like with Evil Spawn-" Meredith had known that the care, or the shown care at least, would be short lasting but she had hoped that it would continue for a bit longer. "was all freaky about elevators – not that I blame him. Jeez, but still Webber likes Alex ever since he married Izzie so... We get day off. You'll be designated driver, me and evil spawn will drink ourselves off our asses then you can be all bright and shiny for him, okay?" Cristina smiled, trying to hide her worry. It had been six months, six whole months to the week.

**Oh, I just wanna believe that were were made for something more than just what we can see.  
This sickness keeps you coming back.**

"Bit early Karev." Cristina greeted, sitting on the seat next to him at the bar while Meredith sat on his other side.

"Shut it Yang." His reply was rough and annoyed but it was an automated reply at the same time. That seriously scared the both but neither said anything.

"Be nice Alex." Meredith smirked. "You to Cristina- Oh God, I sound like a normal mum." She laughed. Alex smirked and tried not to laugh. Cristina rolled her eyes, shook her head and smiled.

It wasn't like any of them knew what a normal mum was. Meredith had been raised by a wolf. Cristina's mum was way too... non-Cristina. Alex's mum... well, it didn't really need saying. She had been like Ava in more ways than one.

"Whatever." Alex shook his head before finishing off his beer. "Here comes Bambi 2." Meredith giggled as she turned around to see April and Jackson walking in and sitting a a table. "Mer, are you already drunk?" She shook her head, turning serious again and slapping his arm lightly.

Alex rubbed his arm in fake hurt. "That hurt Grey." She rolled her eyes and got off the chair.

"You coming?" She had already taken his drink in her hand, and Cristina was already sitting next to Jackson (he was better than sitting next to April). Meredith didn't wait for an answer. She just walked over to the table. Alex shook his head before answering Meredith's question.

"Like I have a choice."

**Ghosts are never more than they seem but they keep coming in your sleep.  
They haunt you in your sleep.**

Meredith did not like many things that included the word 'waking up'. In fact, the only time in which she liked that word was when she was waking up for surgery and surgery only. Okay, Derek too, but still.

She definitely did not like being woken up at such an early hour by someone knocking – if it could be called that – on her door. She looked at Derek and was amazed that he could sleep through that... Oh, yeah. Earplugs. She smiled before lifting his arm off of her body and got out of the bed.

Meredith grabbed the purple robe that hung on her door and wrapped it around herself before rushing down the stairs. She reached the porch and the banging only intensified and she was sure that she heard Alex coming down the stairs to. She was a little relieved because whoever was on the other side of the door was strong and tall and they could have a gun. Unreasonable it may be, but Meredith had once thought that a crazy gunman coming to the hospital was unreasonable. She made out the slim figure of a blonde woman and suddenly regretted waking up.

Slowly she opened the door.

"Meredith, is he okay?" Alex looked through the porch, past the dressing gown-clad and distressed Meredith, and looked at his ex-wife.

"Izzie?" Meredith decided then that if the door should be attacked like this ever again she would let Alex and Alex alone answer it. This was awkward enough as it is.

**Some call them enemies.**

**Some call them lovers.**

**I keep a map of my heart under my covers.**

_**A/N: Might update again tonight, but here is two things you need to know:**_

_**I am not a big Alex/Izzie fan at the moment, more of a Alex/April fan, but neither of those pairings will be included during the story. This may become an Alex/OC story but I'm not sure right now. **_

_**Also, can you please review? I really like to know if people like my stories :) Plus they make me write faster :D **_


	7. Onenight stands

**A/N; Okay, I'm sorry... Try not to kill me... And trust me, I know how much the whole Alex/OC thing is identical to season one, blame Emily, not me. **

"I can't do this." Alex had already been fully-dressed, so he grabbed his coat and attempted to leave the house, a task that proved to be harder than once thought.

"Alex." Izzie tried, Meredith just seemed uncomfortable and was slowly edging to the side. "Alex, please just hear me out." But he couldn't hear her out. How could he? He could barely look at her. All those nights, all those reminders, it wasn't her fault – she had been willing to try again but he had turned her away – but he still felt horrible. He couldn't deal with this, not tonight. "Alex, please!" He just ignored her and pushed his way out of the house and into the car.

–

Emily let her eyes scan the bar. One or two guys stood out, but they were surrounded in women that could only be classified as idiots – their skin was more orange than Mercy West's old scrubs, she mused, smirking a little. Her eyes fell on a man, not too old, not too young, just the kind of guy she'd probably have a one-night stand with and never see again. Very nice. She smiled to herself, walking over to the bar and sitting down. Joe recognised her – she'd been here a few times before when she was visiting her friends – and nodded, getting her a shot a tequila. The man next to her glanced at her but turned back to his own drink. They continued in silence, short glances at each other that they pretended that they didn't notice. She was on her fifth shot of tequila – extremely intoxicated, but it barely showed, she was anything but a lightweight – when he spoke up.

"You're gonna regret that in the morning." Alex smiled, looking at the silent woman next to him. She had dark blonde hair, probably straightens because he could see one or two frizzy strands of hair. Her eyes were a bright blue, shiny even, bright and shiny – Thank God Meredith couldn't read his mind, he thought.

Emily glanced over at the assortment of discarded glasses near him, and the half empty one in his hand. She raised her eyebrows and met his gaze. "So will you by the looks of it." He chuckled at her frank response.

"You want another?"

"Sure." And that turned into many more others.

–

Meredith was making coffee, but she was worried. Alex hadn't came home last night, even after Izzie had left for good. "He's probably just at some random woman's, with a hangover." She thought aloud.

"Do you always talk to yourself when Alex doesn't come home, not sure that's normal for a married woman." Derek joked, coming up behind her and wrapping his hands around her waist.

"Derek, we have _work_." She laughed, tilting her head around to look at him.

He just smirked. "In half an hour, and I'm pretty sure your husband would love to take your mind off where other guys are spending the morning." She shook her head at him, grinning at his teasing tone.

"Will he now? He might have his work cut out for him." She turned her head more, and felt his lips on hers. "But he is doing a good job so far."

–

"Listen, you really need to go, my room-mate will be back from her shift in the next hour and she will hurt you if she finds you here." Alex could only laugh at her as he pulled his T-Shirt on over his head. She thought her room-mates were bad...

"Do I at least get a name?" He smirked.

"Emily, you?"

"Alex."

"Nice, very original."

–

"Evil spawn's smiling." Cristina commented, looking at Alex questioningly.

"He stayed out last night too." Meredith added.

"Do stalk me or something?" The smile disappeared off his face when he saw a young woman walk in, the woman recieved hugs off a tired April and a more-awake Jackson before looking at Alex too. She was no longer smiling either. Meredith and Cristina looked at each other before putting two and two together. Oh, this was going to be very interesting.

A/N: Would be longer (as always) but school and hospital in the morning and I promise I will update tomorrow :)


	8. By the time I'm dreaming

**A/N: Last chapter! Please review, ect.. Thanks to everyone who has read this story :) Even if it is unbelieveably bad..**

**Disclaimer: Own nothing.**

**By the time I'm dreaming  
and you've crept out on me sleeping  
I'm busy in the blissful unaware **

"It's not funny." Alex protested. This was the problem with having two females as best friends, especially evil ones he added, they would laugh in this situation – a completely humourless situation. "Stop laughing." He tried not to roll his eyes. "Like this has never happened to you." Meredith started to stop at that, but Cristina carried on sniggering. "Yes, my one night stand turned up at the hospital, my co-worker. Didn't you kiss Hunt when he pulled something out of your chest?"

Cristina stopped laughing. "How the hell do you know that Evil Spawn?"

"I guess I just know these things." He glared back. Meredith rolled her eyes as the fight/banter started, – these two were more immature than a bunch of two year old's. No joke.

****

"Hey." Awkward.

"Hey," Emily replied back, equally as awkward. Alex noticed a northern English accent, "Wow, did not expect this on my first day." He had to laugh at that.

"You'd be amazed at how many times this has happened here." He joked, half-serious. She raised her eyebrows and smiled.

"You do realise that we should never get drunk near each other again." She finally looked up, meeting his gaze.

"Why not? Plus, you kinda have to."

"Erm, no reason and why?"

"You and the Mercy West people-"

"They have names you know, and they are my friends." Emily immediately interrupted.

"You interrupt a lot, don't you?" She smiled and shook her head- She asked why a lot more.

"Nope. And continue."

Alex laughed and shook his head, this girl was crazy, well not completely crazy like... just about everyone he ever loved, but still, slightly crazy. "Are friends. Plus, last night was kinda fun, we should do it again."

"You trying to get me drunk again, cos if you are you could just turn up at Joe's tonight. What time do you get off?" Emily asked, her eyes dancing over Alex's face – he looked much better when she wasn't completely drunk.

"Nine, you?"

"Eight, one of the upsides of a first day. See you later then."

"Yeah.."

**(Mer's House.)  
**

"Mer... Meredith, you okay?" Cristina asked. "Alex just called, asked us if we wanted to go get drinks with him and _Emily_." Cristina emphasised on Emily, smiling slightly. Meredith didn't show any reaction – or at least, none that Cristina could hear from the other side of the bathroom door. "Okay, I'm gonna have to bust in this door if you don't open it soon, and I hope for my sake that you are fully clothed." There was some movement from the other side of the door and the click of a lock opening. The door slowly opened, revealing a shocked Meredith holding a white stick.

"I'm pregnant. Again. Pregnant Cristina." Meredith revealed. "What do I do?"

"Assuming that the father is McDreamy, you tell him, that is if he is the father, I mean; you and Evil Spawn have been getting close-"

"CRISTINA!"

"Okay, you tell McDreamy, you stay away from tequila, you have a kid. Bright and Shiny."

"Yeah..." Meredith nodded, sighing at the same time. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, letting the information sink in. "Hold on." Her eyes shot open. "Did you say Alex and that Emily girl are having drinks? Together? Willingly?" Cristina nodded, smirking. "This I have got to see."

–

Meredith couldn't help but smile as she sipped on her orange juice (everyone had probably guessed why she had chosen orange juice over tequila but no one had dared to mention it). Her friends were okay; a possibility that only a few months ago she would have laughed at, she would've told the person who had said such as ridiculous thing that they were far from okay. But now she was saying it. Her, Meredith Grey, admitting that things like therapy and talking worked. Well, it worked much better than tequila at least. Alex was back on track – actually sleeping, having one night (most nights now if you include his new girlfriend – even if he says that she is not his girlfriend they all knew she was) stands. Cristina was happy with Owen, married and happy. And Meredith? She was going to be a mother, and a better mother than Ellis Grey had ever been.

So yeah, they were finally okay.

**A/N: I'm writing a sequel sometime soon, not sure when, for my best friend (Emily) cos she wanted me to do her with Alex. So, thank you all for reviewing! :) **


End file.
